Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
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It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?