Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
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[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!