It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
You Might Also Like
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
*jazz hands*
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.