My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
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DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
who called it hell and not heaven’t
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Always a metermaid never a meter
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.