Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
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Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Check your privilege
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.