If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
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Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Monday
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.