A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
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i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Erm I’m gonna say no
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY