“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
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BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Two types of dogs.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.