You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
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My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
The human personality is made of five key elements
I unironically love this joke.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone