[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
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Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.