Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
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I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.