[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
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One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Haha! 😂
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Canada has crack?
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
do horses think humans are hats
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.