Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
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A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I have a black belt in leather
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
no one likes gloating
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.