What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
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Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you