THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
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me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”