My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
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My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.