“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
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Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad