When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
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Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
stand with me against insufficient seating
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
🌱🌱🌱
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
mentally somewhere in italy
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”