Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
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the official breakfast of 2021
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*