My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
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“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
This is not me but this is me
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.