Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
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You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
look at me when i’m typing to you
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.