Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
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Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm