Me taking notes in a meeting 馃槄
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ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we鈥檙e doing this again?
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Two wolves? Cute. I鈥檝e got 8 pieces of pizza in me
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters