How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
You Might Also Like
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
A small tragedy.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I never needed anything more in my life
BRO LMFAO
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”