[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
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POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza