Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
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I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
just pretend nothing happened
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky