eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
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The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”