i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
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[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
me, after any kind of buffet.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane