Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
You Might Also Like
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Cndnsd Mlk
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”