thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
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wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
What?
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.