Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
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I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.