My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
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My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.