it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
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Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING