If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
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ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Seek kebab; not attention
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
man i love columbo
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
is this how new cars are made??
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
What?!?
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me