Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
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After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
dutch so unserious