Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
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Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Spider-cat: No One Home
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.