The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
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To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.