wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.