If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
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You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
welcome back
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
oh my god
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?