Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
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You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar