SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
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My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
23. the denim jacket
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.