HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”