KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
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people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
*ernest hemingway voice*
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!