Teach your children to beatbox
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my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Well, this is awkward
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.