Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
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I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Shortcut
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse