When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
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*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
A leaf blower, but for people.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.