As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
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your honor my client chooses dare
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
🙂🐾
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
this has done me in for some reason
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?