the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
You Might Also Like
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
reviewed some movies recently
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.