I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
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the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.