Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
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5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers